What is Christmas these days?

So, I was thinking, today when i was out shopping. What is with everyone? Seriously? If you are going to save your Christmas shopping until 2 weeks before Christmas, then you don't really have the right to be all BAH Humbug and rude. The glares, the honks, the shoves...what's the point in even celebrating with attitude like that. Where's the joy? and why why why must i insist on draining my bank account every december? I know the kids don't need everything that i've put under the tree...and why are we not supposed to say Merry Christmas, yet most songs that every person sings during the holidays are about Jesus...whether people think about it or not. Anyways, that is my rant for the evening.

One Amazing Day

I've been thinking a lot about one of the few good days this year, it was a hard day, but a miraculous day in a way. June 11th changed my life. In my sister's giant belly was the most precious miracle, i'll never forget her gorgeous little face. It's scary finding out that someone you love so deeply is gonna hurt so bad. So, as we sit there waiting for this baby, knowing that she will not live very long, i was just filled with so much peace, and clearly so was my sister. She's the most brave woman i ever met. I remember crying to my mom, because i was so worried about her after we found out the diagnosis. My mom said, "she's gonna be ok, i know she is" I wish mom could tell us now, that everything is going to be ok. But back to Nevaeh... she was more beautiful then i ever could've imagined. tiny little hands and feet, big gorgeous eyes, perfect little double chin. How does a preemie have a double chin? I'll never know but i think about that little girl everyday. When she was still in the womb Lor would let me feel her moving and i was so blessed to be able to talk to her and feel her through the skin on her belly. Hard to believe what was moving so much wouldn't live more then a couple hours after birth. She changed more lives in an hour then many do in a lifetime. Now she gets to spend her days with the one we loved the most, her nana. I'm quite jealous to be honest, but a girl that precious deserves it. She would be 6 months in a few days..hard to believe it was that long ago, yet at the same time feels so far away. Even though i miss her like crazy, and my heart aches so bad for my sister and bro in law, i'd rather have had that day with her then never have got to meet her at all.

I wish

I guess I gotta say that I didn't mean to offend anyone with the first blog. I wasn't trying to accuse anyone, and I know that this year has not only been hard for me, but many many others. She was the most amazing person, impossible to not love her. I guess that's why it hurts so bad, and why i get so angry. I wish I learned things she wanted to teach me, like cooking and such. I wish I was better at calling her. I wish so bad that i could lay my head on her lap and cry...she'd run her fingers through my hair and tell me it's gonna be alright. I wish she could hold Lor as she grieves for her baby girl. I wish she could see Cohen's gorgeous little smile and hear his laugh. I wish i could go through a drive thru and get embarrassed one more time. I wish i could see her face if i ever walked down the aisle. I wish I could hear her contagious laugh. I wish amara and joey would be able to remember her how we do. I wish i could heal my dad's broken heart. I wish My husband had a chance to fight dusty and mike for her favor. I wish Netters still had her best friend. Most of all, I wish that I didn't have to spend the rest of my life without her. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of hiding my feelings. I miss my mom. Please comment if you want. I know you miss her too.

11 days

How can 11 short days change ones entire life? It's like all at once your whole world changes and you're robbed of all your joy. Cancer. My least favorite word. Some days I miss her so bad I feel like there's nothing left in this heart. Where are the people? The family, the friends, the ones who are supposed to care? How can they all just go on like nothing happened meanwhile it's left the biggest void in my sister's, dad's and my heart. Life's a bitch. People are hypocrites. Apparently i'm angry.