Babies, Weddings, and all sorts of blessings

Wow. What a year. It's flying by so fast I feel like I can hardly take it all in. Numerous friends getting married. Both sisters and best friend all having babies! :) Going to be an exciting fall, it'll make winter almost bearable. New job. Still not sure about life decisions...but i'll get there someday.

He changed my Life

I've been thinking about Cheech a lot lately. Missing him daily. Wondering what will happen in his life and where he'll end up. Thought I'd just write down some thoughts, maybe one day He'll read them, who knows. I spend so much time trying not to think about him but the kid has had such an impact on my life I can't help it. Would I change things if I could go back in time? In a heartbeat. Do I think I did the right thing by letting him go? i sure hope so. All I can do is hope and pray that God watches over him and goes through life with him and that Cheech chooses the right paths. Maybe someday the social worker will call me again, hopefully not for his sake. For mine yes, cuz I miss the kid so freakin bad, but really I just want him to be happy. What a guy. He really helped me cope when I was going through the hardest moments in life. Gave me reason to get out of bed when mom died. The most perfect shopping companion, even chose starbucks over mcdonalds. I miss his hugs, his laugh, his non-stop talking that drove me crazy at times... I just hope that one day, when he wonders why I let him go, he knows that i did because I love him, not because I don't. Cuz I love that kid more then I could ever express in words. I wish I could see him. Don't get me started on Social Workers, that's a whole different blog right there...UGH
Anyways. Cheech, if you ever read this, If blogging isn't obsolete by the time you get old enough to understand a computer. I love you so much, and letting you go was the hardest thing i ever did.
As for everyone else, fostering is amazing. The kids are awesome and have changed my life for the past 10 years more then any other kids in the world. The love they give you back is more rewarding then anything, so if you've ever considered it, do it. Sometimes it hurts to love someone so much and have to say goodbye, but it's a good thing. Look into it, I guarantee you wont be sorry...just sorry you've waited so long when there are so many kids that you are missing out on sharing your lives with.

Merry {Christ}mas

Dearest Family, and friends that I love like family,
I hope this note (or blog) finds you all well and feeling prepared for this Christmas. I know I'm not...prepared that is, we all know I'm not well. lol jk. This year has been a challenging one. A year full of life changing decisions, goodbyes, and trying to find a new "normal". From losing mom last year, to becoming a single parent to Aubrey, life was turned upside down and I had purpose, waking up each day to take care of him and Chad. Just starting to find our groove and news came that Uncle Sid passed away, leaving behind his amazing kids, whom i've gotten to know better since. As much as I miss him and grieve for the pain I see in his kids, I'm grateful for them and the friends I've found in them since. Shortly after Uncle Sid we had to say goodbye to our dear Papa :( it still hasn't really sunk in, in fact I found myself looking for a present for him this Christmas, and checking for his truck at McDonalds.
Life changes, things happen, and circumstances caused Chad to move into a group home, leaving me to make the choice to let Aubrey go. His Social worker found him a home with his bio-aunt, and even though its been a couple months, it's just starting to sink in that he's really gone. I am so thankful for the time I had him. He taught me so much in such a short time. Mostly about love, and sacrifice. I will love that kid so much that it hurts forever, but thats what love is. Love is often about letting go, when the time is right, and trusting that God knows what He is doing. Afterall, He let His son go, endure earth and all of it's crap. He watched Him suffer and endure pain. All that for us? Mind blowing if you ask me. I hope pray that God has huge plans for Aubrey's life, and that the social workers will still allow us to be a part of it. So where does that leave me i bet you are wondering. Well, I let my wonderful duplex go, and am spending a lot of time with family, trying to find the girl I was, before all this change. One is never the same after such drastic losses, but they dont have to let it ruin them. If I have learned anything it's that Joy and happiness are not the same thing. My mom taught me that, and griefshare reminded me. True Joy is a choice, something we have to allow ourselves to have. I am now trying my best to find it in things. Spending time with the family is definitely helping. I have the cutest nephews on the planet. Cohen and Joey are true gifts, and I can give them back to their moms when they start crying :) My sisters, Sally and Loren, whom I love more and more as I know them better. We are so much alike, and so different, but I still get to see glimpses of mom by being with them. My littlest sister amara, who ever thought someone that is adopted could be so much like the rest of us. She has a little Clark attutude, mixed with a little Shari heart. Lovin up everybody and reminding us to have a lil humour on a regular basis. Amie, who most of you know as amara's nanny, is so much more then that. She is so sweet and thoughtful and I feel so blessed to have her in our lives. Then there's the bros in law,where would i be without them pickin on me? Great guys my sisters have. Amazing dads, and true friends that will always be there for all of us. The noack family, who I tend to join like they are my own, also huge blessings to me. I have seen more miracles in that house and cried more tears with them then one can imagine. Proof again to me that there is a God and a reason that we are celebrating Christmas. Last, definitely far from least, my dad. He's our rock. In the past year and a half he has said goodbye to His wife, granddaughter, brother and dad. Yet he still is this amazing man, coping and loving us all. Hearing him laugh is reason enough for me to choose joy. How was I blessed with the most amazing parents and family? I'll never know, but i will be grateful.
So, as I take this next turn and face life and all it's joys and pains, and find my new normal, I hope you all have an amazing Christmas. Whether this year has been amazing, or tragic, there is purpose for you, and reason for whatever is going on. Find Joy, choose it. Look at that little baby in your nativity and realize that God freakin loves you so much that He'd break His very own heart for you, intentionally. Anyone can tell you that Christmas isnt about gifts or trees or obnoxious music, but some of us struggle to find joy in anything these days. I love you all so much...but nothing like the way He loves you, whether you believe it or not. Merry Christmas.

Miracles in Thunderstorms

So i've been thinking a lot today, honestly most of it was negative until I decided to take the boys to a movie and had some quiet time on the drive back while they slept. There has been so much sorrow in our lives in the past year and a half that its hard to see the good, and very hard to have hope and expect that things will turn out positively. Yet, you take someone like Colton. Every single day, every single breath, such a blessing. A boy who shouldn't have lived to be a toddler, now the most amazing 9 year old kid you'll ever meet. He really is my favorite miracle. I suppose his upcoming surgery is what has me thinking about his life, and how precious it is. With all the negative thoughts I have lately, I always seem to have hope when it comes to Colton. Such a sense of humor. Today he told us the 2 cree words he knows, Astum, and Cha. lol. He has faced so many challenges, and I can't ever recall a time where I have seen fear in him. I really admire that. So basically, what i'm trying to say is that even though times may seem so hard, there are miracles in our lives every single day. Some more obvious then others. But today I'm going to say, Thank You God for Colton and please help him through these next few weeks!

Change is....supposedly good, guess we'll see

I'm taking a break from packing. It's hard for me when people ask where my son is. sigh. My life has changed a lot in the past few weeks. Capt america moved to a group home and cheech to his fam. It hasn't been easy. I still wonder if I made the wrong decision, God knows. Anyways, I'm not gonna write about emotions and how I'm feeling about all this right now, Just giving an update to anyone who's like Whoa, what the heck is going on? I am moving, gotta be outta here by thursday. Not really exactly sure where life is going to take me, but I have an unknown freedom that I'm going to have to get used to. Time to think, Time to travel (as much as i can afford, so about a km), Time to grieve, Time to find Jen and a new "normal". As far as I know, i'll be in the city for a week then at cvrvp for a week....and so on...Until He guides me elsewhere...Port Hueneme maybe? lol. I guess I should get back to work before this note gets too emo. Thanks fam and friends for caring, Luv ya.

Loss

Seems like the year for it. Mom, my niece, my friend's dad, my uncle, and my papa.... Now one of my best friends. Not to death, but situation. Feels like death though, i'll tell you that much. Starting to feel like I cant even deal with all of it, too much in just over a year. I don't trust people like i used to. Don't trust that they won't die on me, or stab me in the back...cuz i couldn't handle the pain of it anymore. I don't like this rock hard person that i'm becoming. sigh. Choose Joy, that's what mom would say. Choose Joy and It will come to you. Hard to choose joy when you are angry. Angry at God, angry at people... Somethings gotta change, and mend this porcelain heart of mine

2 weeks in Ireland

Well, my journey is almost at an end, after the weekend I will be returning to Alberta with very mixed feelings. This place is unreal. Everyone is razzin me because I haven't taken enough pictures but seriously, pictures can't show you the full experience. Ireland is so much more then castles and hills full of sheep. Never in my life have I met such welcoming people. Seriously, the first thing they say when you enter their home is basically you are welcome here. Dublin is very neat. The city is fast paced and everyone is headed somewhere fast. The people have much better fashion then what we see at home. Apparently you can tour the guiness factory for €15, shouldve taken a pic of that.. Shouldve taken a pic of a lot of things, but it just goes by so quick. Wexford was definitley my favorite town. Probably because it is the home of the sweetest family....although, the friends I've made in athlone, the heart of Ireland, are quite comparable. Its funny how when you meet someone here they remind you of someone back home just with a fabulous accent. I haven't seen a castle, and honestly I'm really bummed about that. Perhaps someone else will come back here with me, and they too will like to see castles and such. I know things nowthough, just by being here with the people, that might help in the future. Like what not to say, or that seans pub in athlone is the oldest pub in Ireland. There is still so much to see. County mayo was gorgeous, I can't describe it. This country is lovely yet sad all at the same time. So much grief, so many suicides and depression. I think the weather plays a role in that. We've been blessed with much sunshine for Ireland, but I've experienced the gloomy days and you just feel sad. Right now I hear the birds chirping out the window, so today is already better then yesterday. Man I'd love to tell my mom about this trip, she always wondered why I wanted to see Ireland. I could tell her of the beauty not only in the land but in the people a well, I could tell her of the Lithuanians I met in Wexford, I could tell her of the shops that remind me so much feilds. She wouldve loved it here, I'm sure of it. I guess you get the point. I pretty much love Ireland.