Merry {Christ}mas

Dearest Family, and friends that I love like family,
I hope this note (or blog) finds you all well and feeling prepared for this Christmas. I know I'm not...prepared that is, we all know I'm not well. lol jk. This year has been a challenging one. A year full of life changing decisions, goodbyes, and trying to find a new "normal". From losing mom last year, to becoming a single parent to Aubrey, life was turned upside down and I had purpose, waking up each day to take care of him and Chad. Just starting to find our groove and news came that Uncle Sid passed away, leaving behind his amazing kids, whom i've gotten to know better since. As much as I miss him and grieve for the pain I see in his kids, I'm grateful for them and the friends I've found in them since. Shortly after Uncle Sid we had to say goodbye to our dear Papa :( it still hasn't really sunk in, in fact I found myself looking for a present for him this Christmas, and checking for his truck at McDonalds.
Life changes, things happen, and circumstances caused Chad to move into a group home, leaving me to make the choice to let Aubrey go. His Social worker found him a home with his bio-aunt, and even though its been a couple months, it's just starting to sink in that he's really gone. I am so thankful for the time I had him. He taught me so much in such a short time. Mostly about love, and sacrifice. I will love that kid so much that it hurts forever, but thats what love is. Love is often about letting go, when the time is right, and trusting that God knows what He is doing. Afterall, He let His son go, endure earth and all of it's crap. He watched Him suffer and endure pain. All that for us? Mind blowing if you ask me. I hope pray that God has huge plans for Aubrey's life, and that the social workers will still allow us to be a part of it. So where does that leave me i bet you are wondering. Well, I let my wonderful duplex go, and am spending a lot of time with family, trying to find the girl I was, before all this change. One is never the same after such drastic losses, but they dont have to let it ruin them. If I have learned anything it's that Joy and happiness are not the same thing. My mom taught me that, and griefshare reminded me. True Joy is a choice, something we have to allow ourselves to have. I am now trying my best to find it in things. Spending time with the family is definitely helping. I have the cutest nephews on the planet. Cohen and Joey are true gifts, and I can give them back to their moms when they start crying :) My sisters, Sally and Loren, whom I love more and more as I know them better. We are so much alike, and so different, but I still get to see glimpses of mom by being with them. My littlest sister amara, who ever thought someone that is adopted could be so much like the rest of us. She has a little Clark attutude, mixed with a little Shari heart. Lovin up everybody and reminding us to have a lil humour on a regular basis. Amie, who most of you know as amara's nanny, is so much more then that. She is so sweet and thoughtful and I feel so blessed to have her in our lives. Then there's the bros in law,where would i be without them pickin on me? Great guys my sisters have. Amazing dads, and true friends that will always be there for all of us. The noack family, who I tend to join like they are my own, also huge blessings to me. I have seen more miracles in that house and cried more tears with them then one can imagine. Proof again to me that there is a God and a reason that we are celebrating Christmas. Last, definitely far from least, my dad. He's our rock. In the past year and a half he has said goodbye to His wife, granddaughter, brother and dad. Yet he still is this amazing man, coping and loving us all. Hearing him laugh is reason enough for me to choose joy. How was I blessed with the most amazing parents and family? I'll never know, but i will be grateful.
So, as I take this next turn and face life and all it's joys and pains, and find my new normal, I hope you all have an amazing Christmas. Whether this year has been amazing, or tragic, there is purpose for you, and reason for whatever is going on. Find Joy, choose it. Look at that little baby in your nativity and realize that God freakin loves you so much that He'd break His very own heart for you, intentionally. Anyone can tell you that Christmas isnt about gifts or trees or obnoxious music, but some of us struggle to find joy in anything these days. I love you all so much...but nothing like the way He loves you, whether you believe it or not. Merry Christmas.