Loss

Seems like the year for it. Mom, my niece, my friend's dad, my uncle, and my papa.... Now one of my best friends. Not to death, but situation. Feels like death though, i'll tell you that much. Starting to feel like I cant even deal with all of it, too much in just over a year. I don't trust people like i used to. Don't trust that they won't die on me, or stab me in the back...cuz i couldn't handle the pain of it anymore. I don't like this rock hard person that i'm becoming. sigh. Choose Joy, that's what mom would say. Choose Joy and It will come to you. Hard to choose joy when you are angry. Angry at God, angry at people... Somethings gotta change, and mend this porcelain heart of mine

2 weeks in Ireland

Well, my journey is almost at an end, after the weekend I will be returning to Alberta with very mixed feelings. This place is unreal. Everyone is razzin me because I haven't taken enough pictures but seriously, pictures can't show you the full experience. Ireland is so much more then castles and hills full of sheep. Never in my life have I met such welcoming people. Seriously, the first thing they say when you enter their home is basically you are welcome here. Dublin is very neat. The city is fast paced and everyone is headed somewhere fast. The people have much better fashion then what we see at home. Apparently you can tour the guiness factory for €15, shouldve taken a pic of that.. Shouldve taken a pic of a lot of things, but it just goes by so quick. Wexford was definitley my favorite town. Probably because it is the home of the sweetest family....although, the friends I've made in athlone, the heart of Ireland, are quite comparable. Its funny how when you meet someone here they remind you of someone back home just with a fabulous accent. I haven't seen a castle, and honestly I'm really bummed about that. Perhaps someone else will come back here with me, and they too will like to see castles and such. I know things nowthough, just by being here with the people, that might help in the future. Like what not to say, or that seans pub in athlone is the oldest pub in Ireland. There is still so much to see. County mayo was gorgeous, I can't describe it. This country is lovely yet sad all at the same time. So much grief, so many suicides and depression. I think the weather plays a role in that. We've been blessed with much sunshine for Ireland, but I've experienced the gloomy days and you just feel sad. Right now I hear the birds chirping out the window, so today is already better then yesterday. Man I'd love to tell my mom about this trip, she always wondered why I wanted to see Ireland. I could tell her of the beauty not only in the land but in the people a well, I could tell her of the Lithuanians I met in Wexford, I could tell her of the shops that remind me so much feilds. She wouldve loved it here, I'm sure of it. I guess you get the point. I pretty much love Ireland.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today would be mom's 51st birthday. It bothers me that we didn't celebrate her 50th properly, but one can't change the past. If we could i would keep going back into time so that i could be with her whenever i wanted to. Which is all the time. I wonder if one would celebrate their birthday in heaven? Probably not eh? It's too complicated for me to fathom tonight. If they do though, I imagine it would be like nothing we've ever experienced. You wouldn't feel that "UGH, I'm getting old" feeling. Plus there is no sorrow or fear, so that alone makes it better. I'm angry, that she is not here to celebrate. 51 is young. Man I miss her. More every single day. Still doesn't seem real most days, i dunno if thats because i try not to believe it. I'm tired, and angry, so i will stop here with this. Mom, I miss you more then anyone could ever imagine, because i love you more then words can say. You were the best gift God ever gave me, and i will miss you forever.

What is Christmas these days?

So, I was thinking, today when i was out shopping. What is with everyone? Seriously? If you are going to save your Christmas shopping until 2 weeks before Christmas, then you don't really have the right to be all BAH Humbug and rude. The glares, the honks, the shoves...what's the point in even celebrating with attitude like that. Where's the joy? and why why why must i insist on draining my bank account every december? I know the kids don't need everything that i've put under the tree...and why are we not supposed to say Merry Christmas, yet most songs that every person sings during the holidays are about Jesus...whether people think about it or not. Anyways, that is my rant for the evening.

One Amazing Day

I've been thinking a lot about one of the few good days this year, it was a hard day, but a miraculous day in a way. June 11th changed my life. In my sister's giant belly was the most precious miracle, i'll never forget her gorgeous little face. It's scary finding out that someone you love so deeply is gonna hurt so bad. So, as we sit there waiting for this baby, knowing that she will not live very long, i was just filled with so much peace, and clearly so was my sister. She's the most brave woman i ever met. I remember crying to my mom, because i was so worried about her after we found out the diagnosis. My mom said, "she's gonna be ok, i know she is" I wish mom could tell us now, that everything is going to be ok. But back to Nevaeh... she was more beautiful then i ever could've imagined. tiny little hands and feet, big gorgeous eyes, perfect little double chin. How does a preemie have a double chin? I'll never know but i think about that little girl everyday. When she was still in the womb Lor would let me feel her moving and i was so blessed to be able to talk to her and feel her through the skin on her belly. Hard to believe what was moving so much wouldn't live more then a couple hours after birth. She changed more lives in an hour then many do in a lifetime. Now she gets to spend her days with the one we loved the most, her nana. I'm quite jealous to be honest, but a girl that precious deserves it. She would be 6 months in a few days..hard to believe it was that long ago, yet at the same time feels so far away. Even though i miss her like crazy, and my heart aches so bad for my sister and bro in law, i'd rather have had that day with her then never have got to meet her at all.

I wish

I guess I gotta say that I didn't mean to offend anyone with the first blog. I wasn't trying to accuse anyone, and I know that this year has not only been hard for me, but many many others. She was the most amazing person, impossible to not love her. I guess that's why it hurts so bad, and why i get so angry. I wish I learned things she wanted to teach me, like cooking and such. I wish I was better at calling her. I wish so bad that i could lay my head on her lap and cry...she'd run her fingers through my hair and tell me it's gonna be alright. I wish she could hold Lor as she grieves for her baby girl. I wish she could see Cohen's gorgeous little smile and hear his laugh. I wish i could go through a drive thru and get embarrassed one more time. I wish i could see her face if i ever walked down the aisle. I wish I could hear her contagious laugh. I wish amara and joey would be able to remember her how we do. I wish i could heal my dad's broken heart. I wish My husband had a chance to fight dusty and mike for her favor. I wish Netters still had her best friend. Most of all, I wish that I didn't have to spend the rest of my life without her. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of hiding my feelings. I miss my mom. Please comment if you want. I know you miss her too.

11 days

How can 11 short days change ones entire life? It's like all at once your whole world changes and you're robbed of all your joy. Cancer. My least favorite word. Some days I miss her so bad I feel like there's nothing left in this heart. Where are the people? The family, the friends, the ones who are supposed to care? How can they all just go on like nothing happened meanwhile it's left the biggest void in my sister's, dad's and my heart. Life's a bitch. People are hypocrites. Apparently i'm angry.